The REALEST

I am a day late on this but its something that I need to share. So as everyone knows, it was Father's Day yesterday, and for some reasons that hit me different. I grew up with an awesome step dad since I was 3 but my biological dad wasn't there. I saw him every once in a while and came to have a relationship with him in my adult years but it was hard growing up without him, even though I had a such a great father figure. I vowed as a child that my child wouldn't have to go through the same pains and hurts that I did. Little did I know that that isn't entirely in my control. She is fours years into her life and my daughter in sharing the same pain of not having a present father. When my husband left that was my biggest fear....that he would take it out on her and not have a relationship with her. I honestly don't know if that what's happening but there is no relationship or involvement. The thing that hurts the most is that my daughter is not oblivious to it, she is fully aware of it. I didn't mention to her that it was Fathers Day, with the intent that if she didn't ask I would have to have the conversation and to us it could be just like any other day. She asks about him from time to time and each time it is a tough conversation. I mean she is only four.. I remember what that felt like at four...it hurts.... I see her having this weight but at the same time an emptiness. Something that no child should have to experience in my opinion.

Anyhow, I didn't bring it up yet she asked about him. She wanted to see him and I had probably the most honest conversation with her about what's going on. I text and I call but no response. At this, she cried and cried and cried.... My heart broke. I knew there was nothing I could say to comfort her in that moment so I sat with her in that feeling.

I had a sister who would always say she get Fathers Day too and would to be acknowledged on that day. When she would say that I thought it was pretty dumb. I mean I still kind of do thinking about it only because her children's dad is very much apart of his kids life, always have been. However, that's not the case for me and I completely get the sentiment now. Yesterday, I truly felt that I need to be celebrated! I felt the weight of the day. My body felt weighted, my face even looked weighted. The things I carry comes through my eyes. I can see my eyes and know.... I'm "carrying something". I went to celebrate with the fam and the weight of it, wasn't unbearable because its not unfamiliar, but like with my daughter, I choose to sit with that....that feeling of being a single parent, playing both roles. I didn't want to push through it yesterday but sit with it. In sitting with it I realized that I wanted to talk about it with someone so I called a friend. One of the first things they said to me without me saying a word about it was "Happy Fathers Day". "YES!!!" I said. To be acknowledged for what I do was what I needed. As a parent, especially a single parent, you often have to push your own NEEDS to the side to tend to your child's needs and can often forget YOU have them. I NEEDED TO BE SEEN AND APPRECIATED and that's okay. To know that someone saw me and REMIND me that my daughter was not without because she had me, a momma who cares and is a good parent. I may not have balls but I have the NADS: the courage and will strength, to be there for my daughter in whatever capacity she needs, until another person fills that role. With already having gone through what she's experiencing , I AM EQUIPPED with what she needs to be better and stronger in spite of this. While it hurts, we will heal and grow through this together and she will not let this define her and I will not let it define me.