Toxic Relationships

I have been seeing a lot of posts, articles about toxic relationships and the more I read the more i begin to ponder: is there really such a thing as toxic relationships? Yes, i know it may seem like an obvious answer but "hear" me out. It seems that to me a lot of people now are caught up in protecting their energy rather than being "THE" energy. I'm not talking about a relationship where life is being threatened or where there is physical abuse. THAT is obviously not SAFE and would say cut that out of your life immediately. I am referring to misuse of the term toxic relationship when someone says something we may not like, does something we may not agree with or causes any type of friction in our life, that insults our ego, that we may not want to deal with or handle and so we merit that as toxic and think that the solution is to cut that person off. I had this thought while really getting into and embracing this new found craze of just cutting people out it really started a quandary within me..Is that in some way running away from something that needs to be dealt with, handled...maybe something in my own self or with another person....that is going to help my growth. I thought of being a parent. While there is no greater love than having a child there is a lot of negative emotions that can come along with raising a child (especially alone) but does that mean I just give up on them because they're causing me extreme stress. Then I thought about other relationships that i have with others that cause me hella stress but are extremely vital...and it's like not every relationship that I see as toxic is something I can cut off, especially those that I can't control. SO what do I do? What if its about TRUST and GROWTH. I know for me, I had the realization that I have had a lot of emotionally controlling/abusive relationships in my life, not truly understanding it until I met my mirror. The divorce rate in America is around 50 percent....50! At the start of my separation I had this burning inside of me that said, "no this is not right, this not the solution", "what is the problem and how does this stop". I come from a blended family, where both my mom and dad where divorcees and have seen the effects of it in a relationship very near and dear to me and "this has got to stop"... certain cycles tend to repeat themselves if we don't take the time to understand them.

In my marriage, there were so many things about myself that were uncovered, explored, brought to the surface.. things i didn't even know were there. At the time, i couldn't understand why certain things were said and couldn't really hear them because of whatever reason and would often react in anger, hurt or aggression. There were moments I did have thoughts like "this is not good for me, what have i gotten myself into to". It hasn't been until after my marriage that I there was a lack of maturity and understanding, not of what was happening but knowing how to handle what was happening. When he decided to separate, it helped open my eyes to see that I had to take responsibility for my own shit and what was going on in me and this person who was nearest to me was pointing it out. I come to understand that most marriages probably don't fail because it was the wrong person, they rushed into it, they turned into another person or any other BS we like to tell ourselves, most marriages fail due to a lack of being mature enough, humble enough and receptive enough to handle the choices we made, not only in deciding to marry this person but in the choices we made in our life prior, choices that made us into the people we become. Taking Responsibility and handling it. For me, it HAS a lot to do with my perspective.

WHAT YOU MAGNIFY.....YOU AMPLIFY

In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, he implies that there are stages one most go through or unlock before moving to the next, moving higher up the pyramid to a place of SELF ACTUALIZATION. Life can be like school, until you past the 1st grade you can't move onto the second. This diagram opens that up a little bit further. The first two deal with your basic or physiological needs: food, water, shelter and security. I would even saw your thought and experience behind those things as well. If someone grew up lacking those things it may be hard to move pass some ideas created then even if those needs are being met now. Which moves into the physiological needs love, belonging, esteem and this, i believe this is the area where a lot of us get stuck causing a lot of the toxins in the mind or even get triggered in resulting in a step back.

A lot of times in these "toxic relationships" its a matter of confronting the toxicity within ourselves and not wanting to do that, or being ready to confront it. It's so easy to get attached to dysfunction its more comfortable not to confront it. I can say this is true for familial and platonic relationships as well. Its just like with the human body, if someone is acidic once they take steps to having a more alkaline diet, those toxins leave the body but does that mean you have to never go into a burger joint or even have a burger again.... No, its a matter of choice. The mind...they say happiness is a choice, your attitude determines your altitude, mind over matter... these things are so true even for relationships. There was a series done by Pastor Steven Furtick on relationships and one message was called FIX YOUR FOCUS. In that he talks about how offenses create such a barriers your relationship not giving it the ability to thrive. Imagine a son who has some sort of angst against his mother or father, disregarding all the the good things they do for him, he focuses on the negative therefore creating a BELIEF, a PERCEPTION, based off what his mind has entertained about his parents. Now, say sed son begins to focus more on the positive...he can now begin to CREATE A NEW BELIEF... not based off a change of events but simply based off the choices he chooses in his mind. Seeing things from the perspective of love can alter some of these relationships one may see as toxic and CREATE a Healthy one based off of choices. I once heard it as being "un-offend-able". As you begin to make different choices about perception, certain people and things will leave or they see the change and now you have effect...a chain reaction starts in them and now you are the "ENERGY". You have become the THERMOMETER instead being set off by the THERMOSTAT. You don't have to run, hide, separate or disconnect. The strength in numbers is so important but there's that EGO out there that does want us to see that or be that...

This all comes from a place of love. Self love. The bible says there is no law against love. LOVE itself is law. The fulfillment of law..... Love is the most powerful force in the UNIVERSE that each of us has at our command but some never experience it due to the lack of self love and acceptance. As I mentioned before Loving yourself doesn't mean embracing a life of egoistic behavior; puffing yourself up and putting others down so that you can look better. In fact I believe it quite the contrary it helps you in becoming selfless in selfish, compassionate instead of offensive, and humble instead of arrogant. You begin to see yourself in others and you honor that in the best way you can. You no longer use vices as a means to control or manipulate but it allows you to set healthy boundaries for yourself while being respectful and respected by others. I have seen it, experienced it, and am hoping to get back there.

Get the toxins out yourself and watch the right relationships come to you instead of focusing on the wrong ones be removed.